A Very Harry Messedup Fanfic
by Goat-girl
Summary: YAOI! There is so much yaoi in this I really must warn you. This is a very messed up story. You wanna understand why it's messed up? ....READ! Or....DON'T! It's that wierd.


-A Very Harry messed up Fanfic-   
  
-- This story picks up slowly the first parts may make little or no sense at all.--  
  
  
  
Begginning of the fake Harry Potter Story   
  
  
  
..........George: Wasn't it funny in the new book when Harry Potter DIED?!  
  
Small frightened child: H-H-Harry Potter....D-DIES? *eyes well up with tears*  
  
.and then Malfoy made out with Harry.Remember that part?  
  
And then Harry was soooo shocked but then he started unbuttoning Draco's pants and robe...  
  
...He did! After Hagrid blew up the school with a huge fart by the huge fire he made in his   
  
house!......  
  
So then after Harry stripped Draco down to nearly nothing, they went down to the  
  
secret part of the school with the cape of invisibility (for the censor's sakes so   
  
they could keep it a "G" rated movie)  
  
Then you hear funny sounds, and maybe a hand or foot once in a while, and then about  
  
four minutes later, you hear footsteps back to Slytherin house and the next morning Harry  
  
wakes up in Slytherin house with Draco next to him. And then gasps in shock, "HOW DRUNK  
  
WERE WE?"   
  
...........Hagrid survives his gas and decides to go run a strip club.  
  
...And then Harry Potter comes out of the closet and then the people he lives with get mad,  
  
but then he says he REALLY came out of the closet, not just literally walking out of   
  
that closet he sleeps in, and then they are frozen in shock for a minute and then say, "SO  
  
THAT EXPLAINS IT!..."  
  
....And then Harry brings Draco home with him and says, "This is my lover" and then Hedgewig  
  
goes insane and has to go to an insane bird's asylum.  
  
.....Then Harry goes to Draco's house with him and Draco explains and then Lucius says,  
  
"...Like father, like son!" And then you see Lucius carrying Snape upstairs in some kinky  
  
outfit, and they're making out....and then Draco's mom divorces Lucius again, but he settles  
  
it with a magic Llama.Oh yeah, and Lucius accepts Harry now. *phew, long chapter*  
  
....And then when Ron fell in love with a cactus and Herimone was still trying to accept  
  
Harry's sexual orientation but then when Ron falls in love with a stop sign, she tries to  
  
kill herself....but fails.   
  
....And then Dumbledore and Snape are caught in bed together (Snape gets around!) and then  
  
Lucius breaks up with him....then Dumbledore is not the principal anymore, Lucius breaks up  
  
with Snape for cheating on him and threatens to kill Dumbledore but the Phoenix poops on his  
  
head on the way out. ............now it's getting interesting...  
  
....And then since Lucius is mad at Snape for cheating on him with Dumbledore, he starts  
  
sleeping with Voldemorte, but just for the money and *wands* (after all can you imagine  
  
having to cry out during lovemaking, "Oh yes, he-who-must-not-be-named?") .....  
  
....Then Snape is sorry and really loves Lucius and tries to get him back and then finally  
  
they are back together. But Hagrid gets gas again and burns down Lucius' estate! Then  
  
Malfoy and Lucius are homeless and live at Ron's house. ..........  
  
....So then Lucius, Draco, Snape have to live at Ron's house and Harry goes there too   
  
for the summer, ESPECIALLY since Draco is there too! So then the Weasely's house is  
  
WAAAAAY noisier than it usually is, and at some point the bed breaks through the ceiling  
  
but they leave it there so then Draco and Harry have to make use of the cloak of  
  
invisibility yet again. (dang, if that thing wasn't invisible, it sure would be dirty!)  
  
But now everyone is getting mad at Hagrid since hekeeps getting gas and blowing things up  
  
with his farts, and then Lucius, Snape, Draco, Harry and Ron decide to go to Hagrid's strip  
  
club one day but then someone pees on one of the counters so all five of them are kicked  
  
out. (which really makes no difference since four of the five like men, and the other was  
  
only eyeing the metal pole in the middle of the floor because he falls in love with strange  
  
objects. Why they went there I have no idea because for one and two, I just explained,  
  
thirdly, they were mad at Hagrid, and fourth, they didn't even know what it was called  
  
besides "Hagrid's strip club" *okay,the end of this chapter. that makes how many?*......  
  
....Okay, so after Harry, Draco, Snape, Lucius,...and Ron...are kicked out of Hagrid's   
  
strip club cause some one peed on the counter...*glances at Ron* Hagrid strips on stage in   
  
his own strip club and then gets gas but since Harry and the gang were kicked out just in  
  
time, they are not harmed and *skip to extreme movie scene where the building blows up right  
  
behind the main characters* and they watch as the strip club is engulfed in flames. Hagrid  
  
is in the middle of a burned down club, all singed but otherwise okay. Then they decide the  
  
best thing to do for Hagrid's gas is for him to go on a diet! ..............   
  
....But now Hagrid is homeless and he goes to live at Harry Potter's old house. Then since  
  
so many people are homeless, Lucius gets a plan and tells Snape that he will have to sleep   
  
with Voldemorte again, but just for the money for them, and Snape understands him and they  
  
kiss farewell. *Lucius also tells Snape that he will "think of him the whole time") .  
  
....Finally Lucius has more money now and rebuilds his mansion. so Harry goes to live at  
  
Lucius+Snapes house (they had a wizard ceremony and were married, by magic)...(they also  
  
had a huge honeymoon)So then Lucius and Snape were even more *busy* yada yada yada.....  
  
....So then it's time to go back to school because it was magically rebuilt by magic for  
  
the plot. Harry and Draco walk together there, OF COURSE, and they see Ron carrying a stop  
  
sign to school. Harry then asks "Ron, I'm not sure I wanna know but why do you have a stop  
  
sign?" And then Ron says, "Don't you call my Stoppie a 'Stop Sign'! Stoppie has a NAME! I   
  
love stoppie!" He knew it. He really shouldn't have even asked. So then Harry and Draco   
  
share a "look" by Ron's response and then both shrug their shoulders and accept their   
  
strange friend's "sexuality." Because he accepted them, of course, (actually he was too  
  
dumb witted and happily oblivious to their entire relationship) so they repaid him the favor  
  
and accepted him. Through the whole trip probably more than half the train wondered the  
  
whole trip how Ron...um, shows his love...to the stop sign. Err, 'Stoppie', I mean. They   
  
catch a glimpse of Herimone but she quickly runs away and has tears in her eyes and it's  
  
because she does not want to see Ron since he broke her heart. Harry and Draco share   
  
another "look" But this is a...different one...So they make Ron go to another car because  
  
They wanna do....stuff again, of course, and of course Ron dimwittedly goes to the next car   
  
with his beloved 'Stoppie'. Herimone walks by and see Ron licking the stop sign, and tears   
  
start welling up in her eyes. Then she sees Harry and Draco in the next car tearing each  
  
toher's robes and clothes off while making out....  
  
.... and she starts sobbing because she realizes   
  
she is all alone and has no one. (actually she probably thought "What the hell is wrong with  
  
everyone here?! I want out of this F-ed up fanfic!) But either reason, maybe a little of   
  
both, Herimone jumps out of the train and commits suicide and then Ron gives her a cactus  
  
at her funeral, and then she got up out of being dead for a minute to punch Ron because he  
  
is so dimwitted he didn't even understand her feelings and she throttles Ron and "kills" the  
  
stop sign, which he dressed up in a dress for the funeral and then Ron insists on a burial  
  
for his poor dead "Stoppie", and everyone just shrugs and shakes their heads and then  
  
Hedgewig escapes from the insane bird asylum. ....  
  
....So then Voldemorte realizes he's been played for a fool and that Lucius slept with him  
  
just for the money and Hedgewig the insane owl joins up with Voldemorte and they go to dive  
  
bomb Lucius' house where of course Harry, Draco, Lucius, and Snape are all at now!   
  
Voldemorte isn't worried about Harry or the others at this point, he wants to kill Lucius  
  
first and foremost because he played by his heartstrings and he really fell in love with  
  
Lucius. To make matters worse, Voldemorte and crazy owl Hedgewig break in on them right  
  
when they're all there and the two pair's rooms are both actually shaking because they   
  
are quite...busy.So then Wiggy and Voldie break in and Harry, Draco, Lucius, and Snape fight  
  
this final battle...in the nude. .............  
  
....So then Lucius and Snape hold off Voldie And Snape tells Harry and Draco to use what  
  
they've learned from him (they probably thought, what, that one 'yaoi' position?) And then  
  
Lucius told Draco to try his best to make his old man proud and he told Harry he's heard and  
  
seen such good things from him, and if Draco and Harry truly love each other, they will   
  
fight bravely, if just for that sole purpose, and he and Snape held hands. and they all said  
  
to struggle to live for the ones they care about and also live to protect them  
  
Then blah blah they were all still talking   
  
while Hedgie and Voldie were just sitting there (Voldie was in tears because it was such a  
  
beautiful story) So Snape and Lucius were trying to hold off Voldemort while Harry tried to   
  
talk some sense into his now demented, deranged, looney, crazy, insane, psychotic (OKAY, YOU  
  
GET THE POINT!)owl, who once was his only companion...until he met Draco! And then it all   
  
made sense. Well, not really, but let's just pretend it does. Harry asks Hedgewig, "why are  
  
you doing this?" But he knows damn well why, I was going to explain it more, but nooo...  
  
and then hedgewig poops on all their heads, and then Harry finally realizes it's because  
  
Hedgewig was jealous of Draco and Harry's relationship and so he was evil all along but I   
  
had to waste some more damn time before they shot his feathered keister in to smithereens   
  
so there is more of a plot. So they Zap hedgewig blah he's dead. Well, his body disappears  
  
and feathers fly all over the place. Meanwhile Lucius and Snape seem to be having trouble  
  
holding off Voldemorte any longer, they had been singing the barney song so he would have to  
  
plug his ears, but it was just harder to hold him off, dammit! Then Draco and Harry go to   
  
help Lucius and Snape. They tell Draco and Harry to hold hands and sing the barney song with  
  
them and that while they are stalling him with the song, they are putting their powers  
  
together by holding hands (and that they would make out to do it, but then they coudn't   
  
sing.) So Harry and Draco hold hands and they feel a big merging of power, building up to  
  
a huge spell. Then the two pairs both release the spells at the same time (god that sounded   
  
bad!) And the huge energy balls (that sounds wrong too) hit voldemorte and his last words   
  
are "I loooooved youuu Luciusss..." And then he crumbles poof he's gone happy happy joy joy.  
  
...............  
  
and then they all realize Hedgewig pooped on all their heads and they didn't finish what  
  
they had started earlier, so They all took a niiice bath together, and it turns out Ron was  
  
there with his new love, a bottle of flonase nasal spray. But they just ignored him and there  
  
really was no point to this, but oh well. And no, the two pairs did not...merge. that would   
  
be just wrong. One's their teacher for god's sakes, and Lucius is Draco's father! I'm not   
  
THAT sick. But the pairs did stuff riiight in front of each other in the big bathtub. And   
  
the house shook once again. And liquids were absolutely everywhere by the time the 'bath'  
  
was over.   
  
George:THE END...!.....WAIT!  
  
George:...Oh yeah, and a year later, Harry and Draco went back to school (now labeled as   
  
you know what, of course) and now Herimone haunts everyone at school and kills all Ron's  
  
new "loves" every time he finds a new object. She lives in the bathroom, like moaning  
  
Myrtle, but she haunts one of the boy's bathrooms, especially the one Ron uses.   
  
OH THE HUMANITY! HOW MANY BATHROOMS CAN POSSIBLY BE HAUNTED?! And then she realized Ron does  
  
not use the toilet, he poops outside (on easter, too) so she was like, "aw crap. I gotta  
  
haunt this bathroom now forever?" But oh well no one cares about her anyway. No one  
  
ever did. And it's a little weird to see Snape both at school and home...and keep a straight  
  
face.   
  
Oh and Dumbledore is just old and I dont care that Hagrid had gas and already blew up   
  
Hogwarts.   
  
Small Child: I am scarred for life *sob*   
  
  
  
^_^---------------The End (for real)------------------- 


End file.
